New financial terms

April 20, 2009

Thanks to Kathy D for forwarding this list to me. No doubt it is fairly viral on the internet…

  • CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
  • CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer
  • BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
  • BEAR MARKET – a 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  • BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
  • STANDARD & POOR – My life in a nutshell.
  • STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
  • STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  • MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
  • CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo! at $240 per share.
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • PROFIT – Archaic word no longer in use.
  • LIQUIDITY – When you check your stock portfolio and pee your pants…


If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you had purchased $1000 in shares of AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But… if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle! It’s called the 401-Keg.

One comment

  1. Finally. Finance I can understand.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: