New financial termsApril 20, 2009
Thanks to Kathy D for forwarding this list to me. No doubt it is fairly viral on the internet…
- CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
- CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer
- BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
- BEAR MARKET – a 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR – My life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
- STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo! at $240 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
- PROFIT – Archaic word no longer in use.
- LIQUIDITY – When you check your stock portfolio and pee your pants…
If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you had purchased $1000 in shares of AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But… if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle! It’s called the 401-Keg.